April 2, 2008
by Volt and Electra Penn

This just in folks, the 2nd Coming is really coming, but nobody knows for sure exactly when the coming will have comed, but for sure, it's coming.

Details are sketchy and vague because the scientific genius behind Jesus' return isn't talking.  It is rumored that The Coming will come from those evil twins North Korea or Iran, maybe godless China or possibly the neoCommunist regime in Russia. 

One thing is for sure, there are millions of people all over the world, ruptured in rapture, who truly believe that Jesus Christ is coming to town - soon. And I don't disagree with them at all except on one point - the Jesus they're expecting isn't the Jesus we're getting. In my opinion, God is pissed at America. Why else would He place control of the neoJesus in the hands of our enemies?

But it's Jesus who the Christians are waiting for. No, it's what they're demanding. They want their Jesus and they want him right now - goddamnit. Aren't they paying Jews to pull up stakes in the U.S. to go live in Jerusalem? Don't they plaster 'In case of rapture this car will be unmanned' and fish symbols on their bumpers?

The newly improved re-resurrected NeoJesus will wear a big chip on his shoulder---and it's not the cow kind thrown in Texas. Vengeance? This new Lord is no longer a mild and meek bleeding heart, whose soft-spoken Be-this and Be-that are delivered with a turn-the-other-cheek attitude. NeoJesus comes in one mean speed, hyper-overdrive.

NeoJesus' opinions will come pre-programmed from his master. His first order of business: identify those who already stand up for, believe in, go to the wall for and swear to with unquestioning devoutness their belief in everything found in the repeatedly reiterated doctrines repeated by the indoctrinating Christian religion which has been populated by the blindest, deafest and dumbest among us.

When NeoJesus comes to pass, don't be surprised if stores sellout of purple Kool-aide. It'll be the drink of choice for the holier-than-thou converters waving on street corners and slapping purple crosses everywhere. Magnetized cross decals on car trunks in purple? Why not? Purple will be in, with a purple this and a purple that.  Signifying NeoJesus' blood, the color purple will even become a new Revlon lipstick sold exclusively to color-code the fashion conscious for assent.

You might be asking, 'Why would anybody want Jesus to be reanimated if he's coming as the afterbirth of Rosemary's Baby?'  Maybe it's because some NeoJesus seeds were planted about the time that devil-fucking movie premiered. That's when a faith-healing Ozark preacher, named Lucifer's Poe, saw Armageddon's vision.  In Poe's fevered mind Jesus revived will come back wearing camo, toting a M1918 BAR and unconcerned how the old-man upstairs sorts out his dead enemies. 

Poe's violent vision version of Jesus might be 'good news' to the Swaggerts, Falwells and every Bob Jones Bible pounding preacher from Maine to L.A., but just wait. Millions of latter-day crazies will get down off their crosses and instead of playing the 'Rapture Takes Manhattan' video game, Poe ditto-heads will compete to 'kill all the heathens'.

I've heard them singing 'praise Jesus' in the plumbing aisle of Home Depot. Even as you sit reading this article, the Poe faux lovers of a reconstituted Jesus are speaking in tongues - the forked kind. They're coming up with more wild tales of impossible miracles and giving credit for everything to Jesus.

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In the AOL internet video Religion vs. Science, a group of six and seven year-olds, natural sponges for answers and foragers for knowledge, can be seen walking through the Denver Museum of Natural History. Other school groups are overheard comparing science facts and figures as they course through the museum's collection of fossils and dinosaur bones (all tested, categorized, carbon-dated and displayed with plausible explanations by knowledgeable people of science).

But the tykes' tour is guided by two middle-age men, Billy Jack and Rusty Carter. Jack's spiel to the kids is preformed like a sales-track from a 'kill-off-the-breadwinner' life insurance salesman. The little ones are told that Jesus, not God, is responsible for everything under the sun. The bones on the wall, the cave men and dinosaurs---they're all the same age and Jesus made them, too. 

Tell me, how could any parent leave a young son or daughter alone knowing their child was  to be indoctrinated by predators, such as Jack and Carter, who teach fairy stories as if they're real? It's bad enough that they bastardize biology, but My God, look what they've done to God. He's been thrown out the back door, forgotten and jobless. No wonder He's pissed.

It used to be that it was only the neocons who lied, knew they were lying and yet continued to perpetrate their lies. Now it's NeoChristers like Jack and Carter who use Big Brother catch-phrases with an irresistible mantra. 

NeoChristers push their NeoJesus in your face at every turn. Take a look inside any hometown birdcage liner. Every day there's another article promoting Christianity. Crosses are popping up everywhere, the Bible is being taught in public schools and the Ten Commandments are planted on every courthouse step.

There's the old lady down the street who brags, without anybody asking, that her grandson goes to a 'good Christian' school. How about that woman in the parking lot, who tells you, after you ding her car, 'If you go to my church next Sunday, I won't file an insurance claim'. Some might call that stupid-id-ti-ty, but I think it's plain extortion.

This is no joke. Poe's minions have taken the simple man Jesus, and turned him into a God Almighty. They're bound and determined to make the rest of us kiss their Christ's ass. Not that the old Christ would've wanted anyone to kiss his ass, lips or feet. He washed feet - remember?

The Sunday School Jesus I knew used to be everybody's best friend. He was gentle and considerate. He stood on his principles and always did the right thing. Like an older uncle, He was the one who baited your hook, taught you to swim or showed you how to make a sling shot work like David did in the Goliath story.

Now, we find ourselves in the 21st century, dancing around the golden calf Jesus. God's not too crazy about false idols, so like He did when the Israelites erected Baal in the desert, He's given some modern day Moses another tablet of knowledge.

It's a known fact that somebody out there, in a country that despises us, knows how to clone human DNA.  And as in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and Michael Crichton's Jurassic Park, there are dangers to biological tinkering. From the blood of the old Jesus, the new Moses is genetically replicating a NeoJesus or possibly many NeoJesuses.

It's been whispered behind closed doors at the Vatican that a tatter has gone missing from the Shroud of Turin. Encoded in the bloody outline on that scrap of cloth are the DNA letters that spell J-e-s-u-s. But the shroud is a negative image of Jesus, so when he comes back crowned with a Black Halo, will that make the neoChrister's NeoJesus the AntiChrist?

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Have Penn they'll listen. Volt Penn writes speeches for Progressive Populists and reasoned arguments for those on the left of center. He has also written speeches for anybody who has read his work. You can reach Volt Penn through his artist friend, b.b.kemp, at bbkemp@bbkemp.com

Volt/Electra Penn copyright 2008

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