August 20, 2008
by Volt and Electra Penn

Was it the slobbering drunk gringos guzzling margaritas remembering the Alamo, the ghost of Quetzacotal rising to retaliate, or a wild bunch of jumping beans in the tostadas? Whatever the reason, the question remains: Just why did the Russian-armed-and-trained Mexican army invade Arizona?

After crossing the Rio Grande, Mexican troops crossed themselves and each other as they surrounded Phoenix. For two days cascarones rained down on the capitol city, Pemex cocktails pelted the highways, and 'Made-in-China' piņatas hung on every suburban cactus. While the country chewed its fingernails and waited for a Bushy response, thousands of Sun City retirees in golf carts fled north to higher ground.

As soon as he'd finished reading Ned's Third Grade Reader to a high school class in Texas, President G. W. Bush gave the order to launch a devastating land and air attack against all things jalapeno. Outgunned, outgeneraled and over-dressed, the army of President Felipe de Jesus Calderon hauled-ass (and everything-else-they-could-carry) for the border, while American planes bombed, strafed and incinerated anybody whose first name started with Jesus and last name ended with Z.

Not only did our beloved leader direct the Mexicans back home, he ordered his generals to put on their hip-boots, wade the Rio Grande and push on to Mexico City.

"Viva El Bushy," growled Vice Cheney and immediately sent word to the Pentagon to set up a scenario for a medium term occupation of northern Mexico, which included the prized bull fighting city of Monterrey.

Once American troops solidified their hold on the Mexican state of Nuevo Leon, Vladimir Putin made stern remarks from the Kremlin against American aggression. He demanded the U.S. withdraw its troops from Mexican territory and terminate all military activity inside its neighbor's borders. Putin even included a garbled clause about the undocumented illegal aliens who had crossed over under cover, joined the U.S. Army, and were being paid to kill the enemy--- themselves. Putin promised to, 'rally the free world in the defense of a free Mexico'.

"More than ever, I'm leaning on the Mexican side in its conflict with America," Putin commented. "Our country will be sending humanitarian aid on Russian military planes to help the embattled underdogs of Mexico. If Mr. Bush does not declare a cease-fire," Putin said, with a scowl and a grimace, "it puts all his peace-prize aspirations for a cozy place in history at risk."

Mr. Putin acknowledged that he would postpone Monday's planned start of a two-week Georgian vacation in order to monitor developments. He also dispatched Russian Ambassador Dmitry Rogaine, draped in a sarape, sombrero and sandals, to the Mexican state of Guerrero 'to demonstrate solidarity with the Mexican people'.

"This is not 2003 and the invasion of Iraq, where America can threaten a sovereign country, occupy a capital, overthrow a government and get away with it," Rogaine said just hours before packing his Pepto Bismol for Mexico. "Things have changed."

This morning American tanks were heard gunning their motors, ready to rumble into the outskirts of the Mexican city of Saltillo. The mayor of this north/south hub-a-ma-bob said market stalls were already being looted, Virgins de Guadalupe vandalized and donkeys molested.

By noon a reporter on the scene reported that dozens of military vehicles could be seen drag-racing deeper into Mexico, searching for the Big Dubya in a mad, mad dash south. There was also blogs coming in swearing that American forces had already entered and taken position in the port city of Vera Cruz, blowing up Mexican shrimp boats, draining bottles of Patron tequila and despoiling the city's saintly statue of La Cucaracha.

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On an Aeroflit flight over the ocean, after being compressed at 30,000 feet, Rogaine finally broke wind when he opened his mouth, and said, "America has brutally pushed its military operation well beyond the bounds of anything related to discount prescriptions, illegal drugs or the protection of its homeland security."

According to Russian defense officials, the invasion was finally recognized last night when the Kremlin admitted to 'full-bodied' intelligence concerning American movements in Mexico. Since their military was deployed in other war-like follies, including the occupation of Bashkortostikan, Chechnyakan and Dagestankan, a full-figured Russian assessment was not readily available. However, the Kremlin press admitted they were already out of letters to typeset such a historical event, while the city editor admitted he had one last bottle of Pshenichnaya to drain before he had time to look at the problem.

On a Ren TV broadcast from Moscow, the interrupter was out of sync with a tickertape jumping up and down at the bottom of the screen, prompting Mr. Putin to take off a shoe and whack a nearby teleprompter. The blow was followed by a strong unspecified threat to Washington D.C. "In recent years," Putin yammered, "America has sought its place in the 21st century. Russia has fully supported those efforts. But now America puts its aspirations ahead of its balls, just like an old golfing bully, by taking actions against innocent Mexicans that are unwarranted, unnecessary and totally udder-handed."

There's little Russia can or will do to punish America, except expel America's Gangster Business Class from the exclusive school of wealthy nations and cancel  joint NATO-American military exercises, including crunches and sit-ups.

Mr. Putin did say that "Russia gives her thumbs-up support to Mexico's duly elected democratic government," and that "Russia will use military aircraft, as well as natal forces to pass out relief supplies," and that "George Bush better not stick his big fat fig in the efforts to distribute."

Hours after Putin's remarks, President Calderon called the Eastern response, "...not worth a dab of warm caviar. Russia is partly to blame for this whole fiasco," continued Calderon, who spoke from a cot in his condo in Cancun. "Not only are those who have committed these atrocities responsible for the destruction, but so are those who fail to act with a reaction."

From their campaign headquarters, presumptive presidential candidates Republican John McCain and Democrat Barack Obama, both said they were against Russian troops outing their underwear in Tijuana's Boy's Town, sucking on gay joints in Mexico City's Zona Rosa or swinging their cans into Yucatan sisal hammocks.

It was documented that a dim-witted light bulb clicked 'on' in our president's head when he said, "See, I told you so. What goes around comes around. When countries use unilateral thing-a-ma-gigs and illegitimate military what-cha-ma-call-its that contain hyper-use of the Force-be-with-you, I have disdain for the basic principles of international law - and no one feels safe!"

If the Mexican attack on Phoenix was a Kremlin controlled 'set-up', that makes our president smarter than anyone in the Russian politburo, which in turn makes Mr. Putin's backfire stink worse than an out of tune Volga.  Calderon can forget about regaining such breakaway provinces as Arizona and his misguided adventure will leave him stranded, playing patty-cake with Chalchiuhtlice on her blood-stained altar.   

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Have Penn they'll listen. Volt Penn writes speeches for Progressive Populists and reasoned arguments for those on the left of center. He has also written speeches for anybody who has read his work. You can reach Volt Penn through his artist friend, b.b.kemp, at bbkemp@bbkemp.com

Volt/Electra Penn copyright 2008

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