Dear Ehud,

My hearty congratulations to you and your fellow Zionists! You sure know how to contain those infernal camel jockeys infesting your Holy Land. A man can't help but admire your fierce determination to keep that pack of maggots from maturing into a full blown infestation of flies.

But I have to tell you that despite my reverence for you and your cause, I have concluded that you folks are going about this the wrong way. You've infuriated most of the Arab and Islamic world, the UN is constantly assailing you, and untold numbers of liberal (excuse my language) pussies are calling for my great nation to stop funding your good work. By persistently applying those ruthless, heavy-handed tactics to rein in your inferiors, you're borrowing trouble faster than our spend-happy government can increase its debts with China and Japan. You are in some deep fecal matter, my friend.

I know our situations are different. We in the United States imported our ineducable criminals. Yours were squatting on your land when you arrived. Yet we both have the same essential problem. Our nations are populated by a large number of lazy, illiterate, and violent beings who stopped evolving somewhere between ape and human. I feel a deep sense of solidarity with you, brother. Therefore, nothing would please me more than to see you manage your horde of savages in a more civilized and humane manner, like us.

The smartest thing we did in the United States was to enslave the Negroids. The existence of chattel slavery for two centuries enabled a very small group of our people to accumulate tremendous amounts of wealth. Under the yoke of servitude, our African underclass had little opportunity to contaminate us with their filth or demand the "humane treatment" your scourge in Gaza and the West Bank clamor for in perpetuity. Unfortunately, overt slavery became untenable with the advent of that sanctimonious Abolitionist movement and the disastrous Civil War.

Ironically though, the emancipation of the slaves was probably the best thing that could have happened. Had we maintained that institution, the United States would have become moral pariahs, like your country.

We found better solutions to our Negro problem. We promised them forty acres and a mule. Boy did we shine in the eyes of the world when we delivered. And who noticed when Congress rescinded the Freedmen's Bureau Act and gave the land back to its rightful owners?

Old Jim Crow rose to towering heights to keep the "free men" in their rightful place. Poll taxes, separate but "equal" institutions, and lynchings (in which we all delighted) committed by radical fringe groups (with the complicity of law enforcement) were just a few of our strategies. We kept our former slaves ignorant, terrorized, impoverished, and politically impotent. What could they do but shuffle along and mumble "yes sir"?

Tragically, some uppity Negroes managed to overcome their innate deficiencies. The small handful that actually manifested some intellect and moral fiber wreaked havoc on a nearly ideal system. Genetic anomalies like W.E.B. DuBois, Martin Luther King, and Malcolm X brought the United States to the brink of insurrection. We had to do something. So we gave our troglodytes the "special rights" they demanded. Rights like voting, sharing public institutions and facilities with the rest of us, living where they wanted to, borrowing money from the lender of their choice, and unfortunately, many more.

But did we give up? Hell no! Like you Zionists, we true Americans are tenacious, clever, and innovative. We were not about to roll over and allow a group of uncivilized, genetically disadvantaged Africans steal our treasure and power.

While the losses of slavery and institutionalized racism were both significant blows, they merely steeled our determination to come up with a more opaque and subtle system of oppression.

Which brings me to the point of my letter, Mr. Olmert. Your current modus operandi is unsustainable. So pay close attention to the next few paragraphs as I delineate the fine art of subjugating a segment of your population while maintaining the appearances of a society based on equality, justice, and all that nonsense.

In the aftermath of the civil rights movement, we quickly recognized that despite our setbacks, we could still wield our power like a skull-crushing cudgel. Desegregate our schools and let those disgusting cockroaches move into our neighborhoods? No problem. We simply built an interstate highway system and created a vast network of suburbs to enable white flight from the inner cities. Before the uppity Negroes and their weak-kneed liberal allies knew what hit them, we had legal segregation of schools created by demographics, ghettos riddled with crime, poverty, and blight for "people of color" and clean, safe, comfortable neighborhoods for us real Americans. And now that dark folks are slithering their way into suburbia, we are gentrifying the inner cities to take them back for our people.

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What about empowered black leaders, you might ask?

At first our methods were crude. As you know, we simply assassinated MLK. That was probably the most effective thing to do in the long run. King was a real threat. However, in the short term eliminating him caused us a host of problems. We have since learned to give the appearance of appeasement by throwing agitators like him a few meaningless crumbs. We now watch with delight as those suckers snap them up as if we had presented them with a feast fit for a King.

We have even begun carefully screening rising leaders in the colored community. Once we feel confident that such a leader will represent the interests of our moneyed elite, we allow them a degree of political power. Yet they are painfully aware that the spigots that fill their campaign coffers can close rapidly and that the corporate media selling them to the American public can turn on them in a heartbeat. As one of those rare Negroes that has attained wealth and privilege, we might just allow Obama to become President. That is provided he behaves and doesn't let his black genes come to the fore.

In a stroke of sheer brilliance, we learned to capitalize on the natural talents of these lesser beings in our midst. We all know they excel in running, jumping, and song and dance. While we allow a tiny percentage of our darkies to make millions of dollars by showcasing their talents in the sports and entertainment industries, the nearly invisible detriment to their race is worth that sacrifice. Tens of millions of young blacks neglect educations and real opportunities to chase a one in a billion chance to become a "star". A significant number of them also join a violent subculture glorified by some of the performers they emulate. Media-induced self-destruction is a powerful tool indeed.

All right, Ehud. I know this has been a long letter. Here is your payoff for laboring through it. Having saved the best for last, I will now reveal our most ingenious means of maintaining social control.

As you are well aware, in the United States the masses are easily manipulated. They eagerly accept the tripe about the mainstream media being "liberal". We both know the reality is that virtually anything that moves more than a tick left of dead center on the political spectrum is DOA in a system of "news" delivery monopolized by five behemoth corporations. Thankfully, they wouldn't let those cowardly morons from the true Left within miles of their centers of propaganda dissemination. Thus faux liberal commentators and pundits have successfully inculcated many real Americans with the belief that the black mongrels amongst us represent a perpetual threat that can only be contained through brutal incarceration.

Herein lies the essence of our domination of the African scourge in our midst. Consider, my dear comrade in arms, the myriad benefits of our resplendent mechanism that nauseating moonbats cynically refer to as the "prison industrial complex":

1. 90% of black males face arrest and jail for at least a minor offense at some point during their lives.
2. As I compose this missive, at least one million of our 35 million former slaves are safely behind bars.
3. In 1989 we had more blacks in our prisons than did the Apartheid regime in South Africa.
4. From 1980 to 2000 we increased spending on law enforcement by over 400%. This enabled us to funnel tremendous sums of public money away from education, health care, and other programs that would have benefited the black canker that slowly eats away at our social fabric.
5. 1.4 million so-called Afro-Americans have permanently lost the right to vote because they are convicted felons. An impressive political coup on our part considering the fact that only 4.6 million blacks voted in the 1996 federal elections. And remember that your good friend in the White House "won" the 2000 election in part because we managed to disenfranchise thousands of voters in Florida, despite their lack of a criminal record.
6. Rather than promoting treatment or ways out of the poverty that often motivates a person to become addicted to drugs, we have criminalized the behavior. We impose the harshest sentences on those caught possessing crack, the drug of choice for our Negroids.
7. Prison inmates, half of whom are black, provide a pool of free labor for major corporations such as Nordstrom's, IBM, Toys R Us, Victoria's Secret, JC Penney and Microsoft.

Preying upon and feeding their miserable cycle of impoverishment, violence against one another, splintered families, substance abuse, ignorance, and incarceration, we have our undesirables well in hand.

Forgive me if I am too blunt, but I must tell you that in contrasting America with Israel, it is painfully obvious that your nation needs to make some significant adjustments in how it deals with its lower order of beings. Despite the best efforts of our corporate media, which is as sympathetic to your cause of Palestinian oppression as I am, the world is awakening to the brutality of your tactics.

Increasingly, when people look to Israel, they see a nation that imposes collective punishment on a vulnerable group of indigenous people because some of them resort to violence. They see eight Palestinian children killed by Israelis for every one Israeli child killed by Palestinians, oppressive military checkpoints, wanton destruction of civilian infrastructure in the Occupied Territories by the IDF, imprisonment at a ratio of 10,000 Palestinians to ten Israelis, four Palestinian adults slaughtered for every one Israeli adult, the Apartheid Wall, illegal Israeli settlements, razings of  Palestinian homes and orchards, Israeli monopolization of water supplies, and Palestinians living in abject poverty as a result of Israel's withering economic sanctions.

We in the United States project an entirely different image. The world reveres us for emancipating our slaves, abolishing the Jim Crow laws, desegregating our schools, and enacting civil rights legislation. Many view the African refugee population in our country as the failed subspecies that it is. Outside observers are intelligent enough to note that we gave those festering pustules of our society welfare, affirmative action, affordable housing, and a host of other means to escape their misery, yet they chose to continue wallowing in it.

While we in the United States are certainly under fire for our aggressive foreign policy, through brilliant machinations we have managed to preserve the façade that our domestic policies are benevolent, compassionate, and just. From the world's perspective, our Negroes have demonstrated themselves to be a failed segment of the human race, in spite of our monumental, magnanimous efforts to help them. Meanwhile, your stratagems and actions are martyrizing the Palestinians.

Ehud, I applaud your objectives and the agony you have inflicted upon those sand monkeys in your back yard. Yet my purpose in writing you is to express my deep concerns that your approaches will come back to haunt you and your fellow Zionists. I felt it was my duty to warn you of the perils of your present course and to bring potential alternative tactics to your attention.

Necessity is the mother of invention, but I do hope that you implement changes concerning the Palestinians before circumstances force your hand. If I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Best Wishes,

T.D. "Daddy" Rice