October 13, 2008
by Volt and Electra Penn
We all know now that Alaskan sled-boy Levi Johnston was caught diddling an underage girl. Levi wasn't charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and no, he wasn't put on a list of child molesters. All was forgiven by the girl's parents, Mrs. & Mr. Sarah Palin, who made Levi a deal he just couldn't refuse.
As a young American male, Levi can be classified, not only as a red-blooded Alaskan wolfhound hell-bent on getting laid, but a raging-hormone-filled stud who knows little about how babies are made. His mattress-mate, Bristol Palin, certainly isn't packing a lick of knowledge about sex either. The poor young thing never did get the lecture about birth control, STD and the fact that abstinence only makes a body's sexual organ grow harder.
The end result concerning this miscarriage of a tryst is that sometime before November 1st Governor Sarah Palin will spin-cycle her daughter's illicit affair with Levi, and use the girl to further her own political career.
Commenting on the upcoming nuptials, John McCain's campaign manager, Rick Davis, said, "That's fantastic news. Every TV camera in America will be in Alaska. Joe 6-pack and the entire country will be snowballed into watching. Levi and Bristol will be on the cover of People Magazine and Today's Christian Woman. John (McCain), Cindy, Todd and Sarah will sit in the front row of the church. It'll shut down races for at least a week."
Rick's thinking of temporarily changing the Republican mascot from an elephant to a stork. It'll be a catchy way to rally the nut base before throwing a good old-fashioned hitchin' up. This sort of drama is guaranteed to distract the moronic multitude. Rolls of wallpaper gossip about the nuptials will be hung in Sunday schools, churches and coffee catches where the habitually mindless apotheosize ecstatic.
Like everything else surrounding Sarah Palin's family, her daughter's wedding will be a televised soap opera, sure to haul in more viewers than As The World Turns or Days Of Our Lives. However, instead of a Hollywood production this script has been written by Karl Rove, directed by political hack Steve Schmidt and the whole shit & caboodle produced by the Republican Party. Take that Spielberg.
We now know that right after McCain won the Republican nomination for president, it was Schmidt, working with the Armageddon crowd, who immediately called on strong woman Sarah Palin. SchmidtCo wanted to energize the Republican anti-abortion far-right evangelicals. Palin was waiting, willing and ready to succeed McCain should he be elected president and croak in office.
Sarah Palin's resume included all the right photo ops including a staged shot of her hiding behind a dead moose someone else had already slaughtered. This modern day con-dyke already had her fingers stuck deep in the Alaskan oil barons' hip pockets, while her other hand went out to Washington. But Schmidt decided Palin needed one more crutch, one more bit of pity for the party. What she needed was a mongoloid.
So, SchmidtCo went out and bought her one. The child's broker was a Russian woman who only dealt in the abandoned and neglected nobody would want, which made the acquisition relatively cheap. Trig's a cute little baby, birthed right-up there in Alaska - you bet'cha, whose father was probably eaten by a polar bear and mother ran away with an Eskimo.
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Now we know why Sarah Palin never looked pregnant, because she never was. And why she will never produce a birth certificate, because there is none. The kid is just another Palin hand-muppet, a convenient prop that is passed around to underlings when photo opportunities arise.
I have suspicious sources that tell me SchmidtCo's baby bought off the black market is habitually drugged. Has anyone ever seen the tyke wide awake? No? Neither have I. It's easy to lace formula with NyQuil. The last thing Republican operatives need is a mongoloid child drooling and looking crazy on TV, which would cast a dark mental shadow across the saintly Mother Palin.
If all this sounds just too opportunistic for Sarah Palin and ?Crash & Burn' McCain, think again. It's been abundantly clear for the last few elections, that when it comes to winning a presidential election, no amount of bullshit depravity is out of bounds for the NeoCons or Republicans not to consider.
Now, what about the Democrats? What can the opposition come up with to counteract this steamy-seamy scenario of deceit, duplicity and outright fraud?
Let's face it. The only kind of spectacle that can trump a royal wedding, or holding up a mongoloid kid like he's a Stanley Cup is a high-ranking funeral. The ghoul in me asks who is ready to kick off? Which Democratic American delegate, politician or ambassador has so much ethereal cache in life that in death he/she could turn the media's cameras around to the lower 48?
I submit that only a Kennedy has that kind of clout. Could it be that someone might whisper a little suggestion in Teddy's ear to ease toward exit stage-left a gallop faster, say sometime between now and the first of November. An event of such magnitude would drive a stake into the heart of the Republican's Nielsen ratings and blow SchmidtCo's shotgun wedding right off Cable TV.
The Democrats don't even need a good script writer for Ted's departure. It's already been written in Heaven and on Earth. Along with chips & dip, the beer industry will feel a hot rush as millions of viewers chug six-packs and watch a virtual J.F.K. welcome his last brother home.
From coast to coast and from sea to shining sea, the world's TV cameras will focus on the Kennedys, Democrats and of course their heir apparent, Obama. Talking heads blathering nonstop 24/7. Ringing testimonials could continue unabated for days on end.
The question remains: Will Ted Kennedy be a political hero and fall flat on his face for the party? Or does he want to be forever remembered for his cowardly Chappaquiddick misadventure and a propensity to overindulge in just about everything?
If Ted takes on this final heroic role, he can rest assured a plush Bark-O-Lounger will be waiting for him between Lee Atwater's and Tony Snow's. Watching the 2008 Election miniseries from that lofty perch has to be a better tailgater than the cluster fuck happening down here on Earth.
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Have Penn they'll listen. Volt Penn writes speeches for Progressive Populists and reasoned arguments for those on the left of center. He has also written speeches for anybody who has read his work. You can reach Volt Penn through his artist friend, b.b.kemp, at bbkemp@bbkemp.com
Volt/Electra Penn copyright 2008
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